Caring for a loved one with dementia amid complex family dynamics presents unique challenges.

Caring for aging parents does not occur in isolation. It is not just about me and Mom; we are part of a larger family. In our dysfunctional family, there was no equality or justice. We often found ourselves competing for our parents' love, praise, or approval. To earn "love," we had to follow the "rules," making sibling rivalry a key ingredient.

In my pursuit of independence and stability, I distanced myself from my dysfunctional family for years. However, when my father passed away in 2018, I reconnected with my mother, who was in a locked dementia ward. It became apparent that I needed to bring Mom home, as the facility she was in was inadequate. She was treated not as a human being with wishes and desires but rather as a body in a warehouse.

One of my three stepbrothers held the Power of Attorney, so to bring my mom home, I had to renew and maintain a relationship with him. Our family conflicts were neither old nor dormant; they were always present. The relationship had been problematic for years, with complex feelings stemming from past arguments, misunderstandings, and feelings of neglect. Due to distance and functional independence, these issues bothered me less. However, this new situation was a crisis that required reconnection, causing conflicts to resurface with great force, bringing back unresolved issues and emotional baggage.

Fear of past conflicts centred around essential questions about how this would all work out. Who is responsible for Mom since I do not have the legal Power of Attorney? Will my brother, the POA, allow for the necessary finances?

When siblings come from dysfunctional families, communication can be excruciating. However, dragging up the past and getting caught in the blame game never works.

How can siblings manage conflicts and pain while overseeing their parent's care? Here are some strategies that can help:

1. Set Clear Roles and Responsibilities: Clearly define each sibling's role in caregiving as soon as possible. If necessary, could you get it notarized?

2. Seek Professional Help: In some cases, involving a mediator or family therapist can help resolve deep-seated conflicts and enhance communication.

3. Focus on the Parent's Needs: Concentrate on your parents' well-being. Remember that the primary goal is to provide the best care possible.

4. Practice Empathy and Patience: Understand that each sibling may handle stress and grief differently. Being patient and empathetic toward each other can help decrease conflicts.

5. Self-Care: Make sure you take time for self-care. A healthier you is a resilient you that can manage stress much better

By implementing these strategies, siblings can more effectively manage conflicts and collaborate to provide the best care for their parent.