Rediscovering a Treasure: A Caregiver’s Journey with Dementia

An Old Journal Entry: Growth Through Dementia Care of a Loved One

Today, I stumbled upon an old journal entry I wrote on a quiet afternoon while sitting outside with Mom. As I read through the words, it felt like I had uncovered a hidden treasure filled with profound memories and emotions that rushed back unexpectedly. I remember vividly the moment we were sitting on our front porch. Mom was enjoying the warm rays, and I wrote in my journal while our dogs rested nearby. It was an extraordinary moment when we were both content being together.

The journal entry transported me back to those raw, emotional days when many moments spent caring for Mom were a test of my strength and resolve. I was reminded of the heartache and the overwhelming sense of loss I felt as her condition progressed.

One of the most profound lessons I learned through this experience was the importance of letting go of expectations and the need for control. Learning to be present with Mom in each moment and letting go of old resentments allowed me to grow as a person and become a better daughter. It also enabled me to connect with her on a level I had rarely experienced in any relationship before.

What excites me about finding my journal notes is the ability to re-experience moments that have passed long ago. Yet, they remind me of the long journey from succumbing to anger and holding on to resentment to recognizing how special our relationship was, even as we navigated the challenges of dementia together.

A Journal Entry, Aug 14th, 2023.

As I am sitting with Mom, she looks, as always, beautiful, smiling at me and enjoying Jacob and Sophie as they play in the wet ditch. She is asking when her Mom and Dad will come to visit. Watching her grapple with her fading memory and confusion, my heart shattered into a thousand pieces. She was slipping away, lost in the fog of dementia.

Being a caregiver feels like embarking on a wild adventure without a map or a guide. Each day presents new challenges, pushing the limits of my patience, compassion, and resilience. There are moments of frustration and anger when I feel utterly trapped. Yet, amidst the chaos, there are unexpected moments of joy and connection—when my mom looks at me with overwhelming love in her eyes and squeezes my hand tightly as if to say, "I'm still here, and I still love you."

It took time to learn how to let go of my expectations and the need for control to embrace the unpredictable nature of this disease. I discovered new ways to communicate with my mom, meeting her where she is, in her own reality. I answered her question, "They are away right now, and maybe they will call soon." She smiled, satisfied.

The most surprising and rewarding aspect of this journey has been uncovering a deep love and compassion within myself that I never knew existed. I learned to forgive my mom and myself for old resentments that had weighed heavily on my heart for years and had only brought me misery. Instead, I now appreciate her for being an incredible woman. I've shifted from the viewpoint of a disappointed, spoiled child to that of a grown woman who has made a loving commitment and is determined to see it through. I've come to cherish the moments of clarity and connection, the fleeting glimpses of the woman she once was.

Ultimately, being a caregiver to my mom as she faces dementia has been, so far, the most incredible adventure of my life. It has tested and transformed me in ways I could never have imagined. It broke me down and rebuilt me, stronger and more empathetic. Through it all, I discovered a love for my mom that transcends time and memory, a love that will endure long after this journey ends.